Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Fantasy vs Reality

Harry Haversackers provided a very interesting comment to my last posting.  Ir really caused me to stop and ponder a lot of things today.  He insightfully pointed out that Barry's kink that causes him to masturbate is domestic discipline.  That raises the question of whether physical punishment can be effective with respect to making him stop masturbating.  Comments from others  had also pointed in that same direction, but didn't quite grab me.  But, today that question caused me to spend a lot of time in thought.  It compelled me to go back and really think about what excites Barry, and whether I am currently causing him to feel punishment.

As a result of my pondering today, here are my current thoughts.  It is clear that Barry fantasizes about spanking, both being spanked and spanking beautiful young ladies.  It is also clear that he loves to fantasize about a wide variety of kinky sexual activity.  I suspect that some of you might be amazed at the variety of his photo and video collection he amassed on our PC.  I was, and it took me months to come to grips with the fact that my husband had these interests that he never shared with me.

Through this blog and the exposure and feedback it provided, I slowly came to grips with Barry's interests.  I began to explore them.  The good news is that I found that I really enjoyed some of them, which led me to become much more dominant in our marriage.  Three years ago, I could have never imagined doing many of the sexual things that Barry and I now do, or inflicting the pain of a punishment spanking on anyone, especially Barry.  I now love the sexual variety that some of Barry's kinks provide.

I still don't enjoy inflicting punishment, but I have slowly learned that it is one way of controlling Barry.  I say that because I have come to realize that Barry likes to fantasize.  However, I quickly found that when he experienced some of his fantasies, the reality of them was not very pleasurable for him.  For example, Barry has a huge collection of photos and videos of men being spanked very hard.  They really excite him.  But, I quickly learned that when I spank hard, his erection disappears and he begs for mercy.  Fantasy and reality are two very different things.

So, what I have seemed to learn is that Barry has lots of fantasies that really excite him ... and cause him to want to masturbate about them (rather than make love to me). That was a hard pill to swallow.  However, I have swallowed it.  And, I have found that I love being able to control Barry.  That excites me and gives me the ability to make him do things that sexually fulfill me. And, three years ago I could have never forced him to do those things.

I have also learned that Barry's fantasies are not nearly as exciting to him in real life.  Fantasizing about receiving a hard spanking is exciting to him.  Actually receiving one is a completely different matter.  Fantasizing about chastity is exciting.  Being locked in a device is not.  Fantasizing about a controlling wife or partner is exciting.  Having a wife who actually takes charge is not.  And, masturbating is exciting and fun when he can do it when he pleases.  However, being forced to jerk off in front of me, especially when he has no desire to do so, is not fun.

I have also come to realize that Barry does not like to be embarrassed or lose control of a situation.  I think that this issue was a key factor in the situation that developed when his sister spanked him and took control away from both Barry and me.  There was a huge loss of control and huge embarrassment.

So,where does all of this lead me?  I find that delivering a prolonged, painful spanking to Barry is definitely punishment.  I still find it hard to do so, but I know it changes his behavior.  I also find that causing him to lose control by creating embarrassing situations for him is also effective.  From my experience in making him masturbate in a restaurant bathroom, I am inclined to pursue some of the suggestions that others have made.

I have also found during the past couple of days that making Barry masturbate many times each day, and using my Hitachi on him when he can't even seem to achieve an erection are extremely punishing for him.  For example, by the time we went to bed last night, I couldn't even get Barry hard by using the Hitachi.  When I tried to do so, it was obvious to me that it was painful and humiliating.  That reality was far different from what he would have probably fantasized about.

So, at this point, I think I have found a way to punish Barry ... and your support has convinced me that I am correct in pursuing punishment.  It is going to be a long time before Barry receives any stimulation other than from his hand or my Hitachi.  And, any bad attitude will result in a punishment spanking that will not meet his fantasies.

In closing, I can't tell you how much I appreciate the feedback and support I receive from this blog.  I never asked to be put in this position.  However, it has caused me to grow and this community has been a huge part of helping me to do that.



  1. Thank you Susan for posting more regularly and with such detail. I'm really enjoying your unfoldiong journey

  2. amazing but one thing I don't get but it is me, why would someone want to jerk off rather than make love to a hot lady who will warm his bottom first? But carry on ma'am, love your relationship.


  3. Thank you for sharing your experience. There is certainly a difference between fantasy and reality. I am glad you are finding support from the blog. You may also find some of the ladies at www.she-makes-the-rules.com have some ideas that will help. My wife did. Love your blog, good luck on your journey.

  4. If you keep on like this you're going to ruin your marriage

  5. Susan,

    We love your Blog! It’s wonderful to meet others couples that are seeking similar experiences at similar phases in life. We had to pop in and say hello!

    It sounds like you’ve had a bit of a trial this past week. If possible, I would suggest you look at the positives. First of all, assuming your mind set is the same as ours, you got into a D/s relationship to improve your partnership and communication. Look at all you have learned. Spanking, for instance, is nothing more than a form of stimulation. Milder forms are pleasurable. The stuff fantasy is made of. Harsher forms are punishment to be avoided. We all have different thresholds as to what feels good vs bad. Now you know not just Barry’s desires, but what limits he has. You know how to positively motivate him and how to use negative reinforcement all in the same action. Most expressions of submission are like this I think. Humiliation can be arousing and build intimacy for a sub. In another setting it can be punishment. Even masturbation, as you’ve expressed, can be a negative experience. Due to this past week’s events, you will be a better, stronger and wiser dominant.

    This, however, doesn’t take away from the harm that Barry caused. Another reason to explore a D/s relationship is to build intimacy. Sneaking off to cheat with the computer is exactly that… cheating. Opportunity makes the thief as the saying goes. Barry would be wise to first learn that the best way to avoid temptation is to not expose himself to it. Granted, I would wager that in whatever dirty fantasies he conjured up you were most likely the star. Nonetheless, if he has a propensity to this weakness he needs to refrain from placing himself in situations where he is more likely to falter.

  6. As a submissive, I can surely say that I think that what Barry did is destructive in the confines of your “special” relationship. I speak from experience. With teenagers, family strife, and pressures to perform at work, it’s not always easy to stay in a D/s mode day in and day out. It's hard to turn off the alpha switch and change gears. Yet every day I get dressed, I put on a pair of panties and let the erections that frustrate me go unsatisfied. If nothing else can be allotted to express our D/s, my obedience in this regard serves as a minimal base of behavior. I fear if I disregarded these directives everything else would fall apart. A few years back we had a short time apart. We had a fight, and you guessed it. I started wearing boxers again. I didn’t want to feel submissive. I started masturbating, often, taking care of my own physical needs because I didn’t want to feel the dependency that sexual frustration fosters. Of course we worked things out, but I felt guilty I didn’t control myself. Domina was disappointed that I would choose to pleasure myself than to express my desire to remain chaste for her… like a form of passive aggressive masturbation. That’s really the crux of it. I accept that as her loving submissive the bar has been moved and that the definition of cheating for me is different than it is for her. Pleasuring myself is more than just breaking a kinky house rule. It’s selfish in a way that proclaims I wish not to be dependent on her as my dominant… and that’s the core of making our D/s relationship work. In a vanilla relationship, yeah Barry would blush and be embarrassed. It’s not a crime. But as a submissive, I think it’s a serious violation of trust and a huge undermining of the dynamic that makes a D/s relationship work. So for that I sympathize as Barry may not have understood what hurt his actions may have caused you. Though I have a feeling he may better understand now. If that’s the case, than Barry has learned a good lesson as well.

    When the fantasy gives way to the reality of two choices, submission is the desired alternative to the liberty of self -gratification. The anonymous reader above, though perhaps well intentioned, doesn't realize that Barry loves you and wants this with you. I am a religious man. I'm a father and a leader in many aspects of life. But out of love and adoration I want to submit to my darling and I live for the ongoing challenge. It's exciting. If Barry is like me, many things are difficult and exposing. But the D/s is like a project you work on together. It brings you together, not pushes you apart. The fruits of such intimacy are better and more satisfying than a lifetime of self hand jobs. Barry isn't going anywhere because he's addicted to his wife and bravo to you both!


  7. Susan-
    You do the community a true honor by generously sharing so much of your relationship. Its time like this that the value of the community really comes out.

    No doubt you and barry have gone through some trying times but it sounds like you have gotten some very good advice. You also get to pick and choose how you handle it and your well thought out post certainly indicates that you have maintained a very level head.

    Kudos to you and thanks again for sharing.

  8. Miss Susan, I am subject to both maternal as well as spousal discipline. At present due to my mama's health she is unable to properly discipline me. She has enlisted the very able lady friend who is not only willing to help but is also very very capable. She has me in tears begging for mercy long before she is finished. I really try to behave and sometimes go for as long as 6 weeks before I slip up and earn my self a trip across Aunty's knee. I am resolved never to earn another spanking but sadly I do fail. I love spanking enjoy a gentle OTK spanking but let Aunty arrive with her hair brush in hand and I want to run and hide. Maam I love my mama but hate the thought of Aunty spanking me, it is not erotic, it is pure discipline.