I am writing this post at the request (actually a demand) from Susan. It's part of my punishment for my poor judgement and behavior. I don't blame her for requiring me to do this. Some of you have been suggesting that I share more on the blog and you deserve to hear from me about why I did the things I did.
The last couple of days Susan has relentlessly pushed the question of how and why I could have thought it was appropriate to see a professional disciplinarian without talking with her about it. I don't do well with those types of questions. I find them hard to answer and to explain my feelings. But Susan has pushed very hard and forced me to at least attempt to give her some answers.
I don't have good reasons for my behavior because there aren't any. I was stupid and thoughtless. Because of that I ended up thinking with my dick and not my brain. During the past few months we each faced health issues at different times. We drifted away from our normal routines of sex and devotion to each other. Stupidly, instead of sharing my disappointment and desires with Susan, I turned to spanking internet porn and my hand. As I again became addicted to that form of sexual pleasure, I knew it was wrong. I also knew I needed help to break the habit. I also felt I needed to be spanked (Susan would say that I didn't 'need' to be spanked, but I 'desired' to be spanked. She is probably right. Instead of sharing that need or desire with Susan, I went elsewhere. That was a huge mistake and I knew it at the time. But I still went and did it.
A bigger question is "Why did I feel that need or desire to be spanked?" This is the type of question that is hard for me to find an answer. After discussions with Susan, I think it is because I have a need (or desire) to be embarrassed or humiliated by another woman. I have always had a complex about my penis size and find it extremely embarrassing to have to expose it when my bottom is bared for a spanking. Yet, somehow I crave to have that happen. And, I can't explain that. It just is.
So, I probably visited the disciplinarian to be humiliated, which perhaps I thought would help me break the relapse addiction to spanking porn and jerking off. I don't know. I just know I was stupid.
I have not shared the above explanation with Susan or you to seek your sympathy or forgiveness. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I did it. And I know that my explanation does not justify my actions.
I also know I am a very lucky man to have a wife like Susan. At this time I also know I don't deserve her, but I'm very glad that she is still here and willing to make our marriage work.
I also want to thank the readers of this blog for your support of Susan and me during our journey into the lifestyle we have chosen. You have been very helpful and supportive of her especially.
Humbly,
Barry
Hi Barry,
ReplyDeleteI am trying to put myself into your place because i have been there on the masturbation issue.I sought help from my wife, made progress, slipped again and was punished for it just as Susan punished you ( after ejaculation)I didn't go to a mistress but did patronize spanking phone sex and was discovered and punished for that.So I know where you are. You have a porn driven masturbation habit that you know threatens your relationship and hurts your self esteem. And you feel you need to be punished both for what you have been doing and to motivate you to stop doing it before it causes more damage. I basically agree with you that consistent punishment will get the masturbation under control if not stop it completely. But Susan has to understand and you need to tell her how serious it is and how much you need her discipline. What we did might work for you. I promised her I would never lie to her if she asked me if I had done it and she agreed to ask me daily or often about it. If I slipped I was punished with the brush after ejaculating. It took more than three months but I stopped all masturbation without her permission and eventually no masturbation at all. I still slip once or twice a year and she deals with it and we move on . But the porn is over and being out of control is over. Don't let masturbation ruin your marriage. Your wife will work with you and you can get through it together
Best luck to you
Steven L
My first marriage was destroyed by masturbation. I lost control to the point I was often impotent when we tried to be intimate. I still regret I didn't tell her what the real problem was, me and not her. While I was still dating the woman who became my second wife I was told by her she didn't want a boyfriend who masturbated Eventually she took control of my cock not just stopping masturbation but I can not orgasm without her permission.This turned my life around and my career. She made me realize I was not really in control myself but thought with my " small head" and would never reach my potential unless I obeyed her about sex and let her discipline me until I developed self discipline. If I were you I would ask your wife to take control of your cock until you prove to her you can be responsible to yourself and your relationship.She already spanks you and you accept that so the next step is not that big a leap for either of you
ReplyDeleteI feel for you both. My husband's masturbation habits - specifically using porn - were the catalyst that triggered much more deviant and damaging behavior(s) within our marriage.
ReplyDeleteTwo things that have helped him "reset" his mindset and re-channel his libido are (1) abstaining from PMO {porn + masturbation = orgasm}, and (2) taking part in the no-fap movement. You may wish to investigate either or both.
(Not giving advice - just sharing information for you to do with as you please. :) )
Best of luck to you both.
Barry:
ReplyDeletegreat post. I'm right there with you. I know you don't want to, but try a simple inexpensive chastity device. It is one more barrier to "falling out of bounds"
Really helped me.
M
Dear Barry,
ReplyDeleteI don't think a cock cage will work for you because once its off you will start jacking off again to porn.( that's what I did) You need to go through the relearning necessary to break the habit for ever and focus all your sexual energy on Susan. She needs to be there with her brush or strap to strictly enforce those new boundaries. If you both are committed to it you will succeed and the rewards on the other side are worth it.
Carl
Barry and I each appreciate the comments that each of you have shared. We are working through this situation and input is important (especially to me). One theme I hear loud and clear is the danger of pornography and masturbation. We managed it earlier in our journey, but it got out of hand again (partially due to our health issues). However, it has again become clear to me that I need to strongly address this addiction that Barry has. I have begun implementing a strong FLR presence, along with incorporating Devotional Sex. Those two things were previously our mainstay. I also now know more about Barry's needs with respect to embarrassment and his feelings about the size of his penis (I have never been concerned about that).
ReplyDeleteThanks again for your concern and input.
Susan