I am writing this post at the request (actually a demand) from Susan. It's part of my punishment for my poor judgement and behavior. I don't blame her for requiring me to do this. Some of you have been suggesting that I share more on the blog and you deserve to hear from me about why I did the things I did.
The last couple of days Susan has relentlessly pushed the question of how and why I could have thought it was appropriate to see a professional disciplinarian without talking with her about it. I don't do well with those types of questions. I find them hard to answer and to explain my feelings. But Susan has pushed very hard and forced me to at least attempt to give her some answers.
I don't have good reasons for my behavior because there aren't any. I was stupid and thoughtless. Because of that I ended up thinking with my dick and not my brain. During the past few months we each faced health issues at different times. We drifted away from our normal routines of sex and devotion to each other. Stupidly, instead of sharing my disappointment and desires with Susan, I turned to spanking internet porn and my hand. As I again became addicted to that form of sexual pleasure, I knew it was wrong. I also knew I needed help to break the habit. I also felt I needed to be spanked (Susan would say that I didn't 'need' to be spanked, but I 'desired' to be spanked. She is probably right. Instead of sharing that need or desire with Susan, I went elsewhere. That was a huge mistake and I knew it at the time. But I still went and did it.
A bigger question is "Why did I feel that need or desire to be spanked?" This is the type of question that is hard for me to find an answer. After discussions with Susan, I think it is because I have a need (or desire) to be embarrassed or humiliated by another woman. I have always had a complex about my penis size and find it extremely embarrassing to have to expose it when my bottom is bared for a spanking. Yet, somehow I crave to have that happen. And, I can't explain that. It just is.
So, I probably visited the disciplinarian to be humiliated, which perhaps I thought would help me break the relapse addiction to spanking porn and jerking off. I don't know. I just know I was stupid.
I have not shared the above explanation with Susan or you to seek your sympathy or forgiveness. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I did it. And I know that my explanation does not justify my actions.
I also know I am a very lucky man to have a wife like Susan. At this time I also know I don't deserve her, but I'm very glad that she is still here and willing to make our marriage work.
I also want to thank the readers of this blog for your support of Susan and me during our journey into the lifestyle we have chosen. You have been very helpful and supportive of her especially.