I am writing this post at the request (actually a demand) from Susan. It's part of my punishment for my poor judgement and behavior. I don't blame her for requiring me to do this. Some of you have been suggesting that I share more on the blog and you deserve to hear from me about why I did the things I did.
The last couple of days Susan has relentlessly pushed the question of how and why I could have thought it was appropriate to see a professional disciplinarian without talking with her about it. I don't do well with those types of questions. I find them hard to answer and to explain my feelings. But Susan has pushed very hard and forced me to at least attempt to give her some answers.
I don't have good reasons for my behavior because there aren't any. I was stupid and thoughtless. Because of that I ended up thinking with my dick and not my brain. During the past few months we each faced health issues at different times. We drifted away from our normal routines of sex and devotion to each other. Stupidly, instead of sharing my disappointment and desires with Susan, I turned to spanking internet porn and my hand. As I again became addicted to that form of sexual pleasure, I knew it was wrong. I also knew I needed help to break the habit. I also felt I needed to be spanked (Susan would say that I didn't 'need' to be spanked, but I 'desired' to be spanked. She is probably right. Instead of sharing that need or desire with Susan, I went elsewhere. That was a huge mistake and I knew it at the time. But I still went and did it.
A bigger question is "Why did I feel that need or desire to be spanked?" This is the type of question that is hard for me to find an answer. After discussions with Susan, I think it is because I have a need (or desire) to be embarrassed or humiliated by another woman. I have always had a complex about my penis size and find it extremely embarrassing to have to expose it when my bottom is bared for a spanking. Yet, somehow I crave to have that happen. And, I can't explain that. It just is.
So, I probably visited the disciplinarian to be humiliated, which perhaps I thought would help me break the relapse addiction to spanking porn and jerking off. I don't know. I just know I was stupid.
I have not shared the above explanation with Susan or you to seek your sympathy or forgiveness. I know what I did was wrong. I knew it was wrong when I did it. And I know that my explanation does not justify my actions.
I also know I am a very lucky man to have a wife like Susan. At this time I also know I don't deserve her, but I'm very glad that she is still here and willing to make our marriage work.
I also want to thank the readers of this blog for your support of Susan and me during our journey into the lifestyle we have chosen. You have been very helpful and supportive of her especially.
Humbly,
Barry
Sunday, January 31, 2016
Friday, January 29, 2016
Barry's Confessions
During dinner Wednesday evening, Barry and I had a conversation concerning how good it feels to be back on track in our relationship. We had each felt completely out of sorts during the past few months. Barry was also very appreciative of my spanking him on Sunday. After dinner, while we were doing dishes together, I could sense that Barry was uneasy and he seemed like there was something that he wanted to say. "What is it?" I asked.
After some stammering and hesitation, he finally shared that there are a couple of things that he needs to confess to me concerning his behavior the past few months. With some encouragement, he finally told me that he had reverted back to spending too much time on his computer watching spanking porn, and that he was again masturbating more than he feels is healthy for our relationship. I shared his concern about those two habits and asked him what he thought could help him. The answer was a request for discipline from me. I suggested that we could begin that night. He then went back into his "quiet" mode and I could again tell that there was something else that he wasn't saying. Again, after some probing, he finally blurted out that he had seen a professional disciplinarian a couple of times last fall.
This caught me completely by surprise and I blurted out my shock and dismay that he would seek someone else to provide him with discipline, especially after how far we have come together the past few years. I was very hurt and I let him know that I felt like he had cheated on me. As the conversation continued, he finally admitted that he has seen this woman three times during the course of the fall. He didn't feel like it was cheating it was just for spanking discipline and there was no sexual contact involved. However, he also eventually admitted that as part of his discipline for the masturbation issue, on two occasions she required him to stand in front of her and masturbate to orgasm.
After regaining some composure and cooling down a little bit, I finally asked him what he thought we should do about that behavior. Much to my surprise, his response was "I need to be punished because I have betrayed your love and your trust." After telling him that I was glad that he had used the word "punished" this time, and not just "disciplined", I told him to proceed to the bathroom and take a shower; and to then meet me in our bedroom.
While he was showering, I began to prepare the bedroom for what I had planned for Barry. After bringing in a straight-back dining room chair and his notebook PC, I then began to place a variety of our spanking implements on our bed, as well as a bright red baby doll nightgown with matching panties (as a punishment outfit for Barry).
When Barry appeared in his bathrobe, I directed him to put on his punishment outfit and to sit on the dining chair and await my return. I then took a shower to give myself some time to think and compose myself. When I returned to the bedroom, I advised Barry that we would first deal with the PC porn. I directed him to pick out three implements and bring them to me. While he as making his selections, I took the notebook PC and sat in the dining chair. After locating a video that I knew he liked of a man being spanked OTK by a women, I placed the PC on the floor to the left of the chair. Barry finally made his selections (a small leather paddle, a small wooden paddle, and a hairbrush) and brought them to me. I placed them on the floor to the left of the chair, along with the PC.
I then began to scold and lecture Barry as he stood in front of me. His erection was obvious, so I also commented that it didn't appear that he was very sorry about what he had done and assured him that his sense of pleasure between his legs would soon disappear. I then took Barry over my lap and directed him to start the video. I told him that I planned to spank him until it finished (it was between 25 and 30 minutes long). started in with a hand spanking over his panties. His head was about a foot away from the PC and the implements that would soon be put to use. I made him hand each one to me as I wanted to use it, saving the hairbrush for last. After using my hand and the first implement, I also made him stand so I could remove his panties, although they offered little protection. By that time his erection was beginning to fade.
By the time I and the video finished, I had him wriggling and yelping, and when he stood up, it was apparent that his penis was completely flacid.
"let's now deal with your masturbation issue", I announced. "First, I want you to get your penis hard again". It took him about five minutes, but he finally achieved a meaningful erection. It was clear that he wasn't finding this as sexually exciting as he had hoped. "I want you on your knees and elbows on the bed ...with your legs spread, so I can have access to your bottom and your genitals." Taking a 24" wooden ruler paddle in my left hand, I began to paddle his already very red bottom while I used my left hand to reach under this belly and find his penis. Barry doesn't enjoy this paddle because it provides a lot of intense sting to both cheeks each time it lands. However, I was able to monitor his state of arousal and keep his penis erect while still administering a pretty severe paddling. Near the end, I stopped the teasing and just let him experience lots and lots of sting during the final thirty swats I administered.
Allowing Barry to stand up, it was obvious that his erection had again disappeared. I informed him that he was now going to stand in front of me and show me how masturbated for his disciplinarian. He tried to beg off by saying he didn't think he could get hard again. He did have a problem, which didn't surprise me, so I brought out the Hitachi vibrator to provide some assistance in achieving an erection. Once hard, however, the vibrator was shut off and Barry was forced to complete the act by himself. I made him ejaculate into his red panties, which I then rolled up to used as a gag during his final punishment.
"OK, now it time to deal with your cheating on me with the disciplinarian", I announced. "Noooooo", he begged. However, he quickly realized that I would not be dissuaded. By this time Barry's bottom was bright red and beginning to mark a bit. However, I still planned to punish him for seeing the disciplinarian. I brought out a pair of bright pink spandex panties which tightly cover his bottom very nicely. I thought they would give him a little protection, as well as hold the burning sensation in his bottom quite nicely for his final paddling. I then fastened his wrists together with a pair of our cuffs, placed his soiled panties in his mouth, and took him back over my lap while I sat in the chair. I had previously placed our medium sized lexan paddle next to the chair within easy reach, but I don't think Barry saw me do so. The lexan is his most dreaded implement and the first swat with it took him completely by surprise! I then proceeded to slowly scold him while methodically using the paddle. At one point I paused to lower his panties to check on the condition of his bottom. He thought I was going to keep them down and began to frantically beg me not to do so (at least that's what I assumed was coming out of his muffled mouth). However, his bottom was OK, so I pulled the panties back up and resumed the paddling. By the time I stopped, Barry was limp across my lap and quietly sobbing.
When it was over, I had Barry sit on my lap so I could hold and cuddle him and let him know that I still loved him. However, I also let him know that if he ever did such a foolish thing again, this paddling would seem like a warm up spanking.
I had Barry sleep in the spandex panties that night. In the morning, I locked him in his cage, where I plan to keep him until I feel he is ready to be trusted with respect to masturbation again.
It has been a long time since I administered this type of serious punishment spanking to Barry. I still hate to do it. It is the one part of our relationship that I do not like. However, it sometimes seems like the only way I can get through to him. I hope this is the last time for a long time.
One thing I'm sure of though is that Barry still needs to be submissive and be spanked. From his behavior and things he told me this week, it is clear that he has strong needs with respect to both. I want to be able to meet those needs and have him meet mine as well.
Susan
After some stammering and hesitation, he finally shared that there are a couple of things that he needs to confess to me concerning his behavior the past few months. With some encouragement, he finally told me that he had reverted back to spending too much time on his computer watching spanking porn, and that he was again masturbating more than he feels is healthy for our relationship. I shared his concern about those two habits and asked him what he thought could help him. The answer was a request for discipline from me. I suggested that we could begin that night. He then went back into his "quiet" mode and I could again tell that there was something else that he wasn't saying. Again, after some probing, he finally blurted out that he had seen a professional disciplinarian a couple of times last fall.
This caught me completely by surprise and I blurted out my shock and dismay that he would seek someone else to provide him with discipline, especially after how far we have come together the past few years. I was very hurt and I let him know that I felt like he had cheated on me. As the conversation continued, he finally admitted that he has seen this woman three times during the course of the fall. He didn't feel like it was cheating it was just for spanking discipline and there was no sexual contact involved. However, he also eventually admitted that as part of his discipline for the masturbation issue, on two occasions she required him to stand in front of her and masturbate to orgasm.
After regaining some composure and cooling down a little bit, I finally asked him what he thought we should do about that behavior. Much to my surprise, his response was "I need to be punished because I have betrayed your love and your trust." After telling him that I was glad that he had used the word "punished" this time, and not just "disciplined", I told him to proceed to the bathroom and take a shower; and to then meet me in our bedroom.
While he was showering, I began to prepare the bedroom for what I had planned for Barry. After bringing in a straight-back dining room chair and his notebook PC, I then began to place a variety of our spanking implements on our bed, as well as a bright red baby doll nightgown with matching panties (as a punishment outfit for Barry).
When Barry appeared in his bathrobe, I directed him to put on his punishment outfit and to sit on the dining chair and await my return. I then took a shower to give myself some time to think and compose myself. When I returned to the bedroom, I advised Barry that we would first deal with the PC porn. I directed him to pick out three implements and bring them to me. While he as making his selections, I took the notebook PC and sat in the dining chair. After locating a video that I knew he liked of a man being spanked OTK by a women, I placed the PC on the floor to the left of the chair. Barry finally made his selections (a small leather paddle, a small wooden paddle, and a hairbrush) and brought them to me. I placed them on the floor to the left of the chair, along with the PC.
I then began to scold and lecture Barry as he stood in front of me. His erection was obvious, so I also commented that it didn't appear that he was very sorry about what he had done and assured him that his sense of pleasure between his legs would soon disappear. I then took Barry over my lap and directed him to start the video. I told him that I planned to spank him until it finished (it was between 25 and 30 minutes long). started in with a hand spanking over his panties. His head was about a foot away from the PC and the implements that would soon be put to use. I made him hand each one to me as I wanted to use it, saving the hairbrush for last. After using my hand and the first implement, I also made him stand so I could remove his panties, although they offered little protection. By that time his erection was beginning to fade.
By the time I and the video finished, I had him wriggling and yelping, and when he stood up, it was apparent that his penis was completely flacid.
"let's now deal with your masturbation issue", I announced. "First, I want you to get your penis hard again". It took him about five minutes, but he finally achieved a meaningful erection. It was clear that he wasn't finding this as sexually exciting as he had hoped. "I want you on your knees and elbows on the bed ...with your legs spread, so I can have access to your bottom and your genitals." Taking a 24" wooden ruler paddle in my left hand, I began to paddle his already very red bottom while I used my left hand to reach under this belly and find his penis. Barry doesn't enjoy this paddle because it provides a lot of intense sting to both cheeks each time it lands. However, I was able to monitor his state of arousal and keep his penis erect while still administering a pretty severe paddling. Near the end, I stopped the teasing and just let him experience lots and lots of sting during the final thirty swats I administered.
Allowing Barry to stand up, it was obvious that his erection had again disappeared. I informed him that he was now going to stand in front of me and show me how masturbated for his disciplinarian. He tried to beg off by saying he didn't think he could get hard again. He did have a problem, which didn't surprise me, so I brought out the Hitachi vibrator to provide some assistance in achieving an erection. Once hard, however, the vibrator was shut off and Barry was forced to complete the act by himself. I made him ejaculate into his red panties, which I then rolled up to used as a gag during his final punishment.
"OK, now it time to deal with your cheating on me with the disciplinarian", I announced. "Noooooo", he begged. However, he quickly realized that I would not be dissuaded. By this time Barry's bottom was bright red and beginning to mark a bit. However, I still planned to punish him for seeing the disciplinarian. I brought out a pair of bright pink spandex panties which tightly cover his bottom very nicely. I thought they would give him a little protection, as well as hold the burning sensation in his bottom quite nicely for his final paddling. I then fastened his wrists together with a pair of our cuffs, placed his soiled panties in his mouth, and took him back over my lap while I sat in the chair. I had previously placed our medium sized lexan paddle next to the chair within easy reach, but I don't think Barry saw me do so. The lexan is his most dreaded implement and the first swat with it took him completely by surprise! I then proceeded to slowly scold him while methodically using the paddle. At one point I paused to lower his panties to check on the condition of his bottom. He thought I was going to keep them down and began to frantically beg me not to do so (at least that's what I assumed was coming out of his muffled mouth). However, his bottom was OK, so I pulled the panties back up and resumed the paddling. By the time I stopped, Barry was limp across my lap and quietly sobbing.
When it was over, I had Barry sit on my lap so I could hold and cuddle him and let him know that I still loved him. However, I also let him know that if he ever did such a foolish thing again, this paddling would seem like a warm up spanking.
I had Barry sleep in the spandex panties that night. In the morning, I locked him in his cage, where I plan to keep him until I feel he is ready to be trusted with respect to masturbation again.
It has been a long time since I administered this type of serious punishment spanking to Barry. I still hate to do it. It is the one part of our relationship that I do not like. However, it sometimes seems like the only way I can get through to him. I hope this is the last time for a long time.
One thing I'm sure of though is that Barry still needs to be submissive and be spanked. From his behavior and things he told me this week, it is clear that he has strong needs with respect to both. I want to be able to meet those needs and have him meet mine as well.
Susan
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
Getting Back to Normal
While we dealt with health issues, Barry and I got into a low time with respect to being responsive and caring for each other. It has not been a good time. With my re-awakening, I realized what had been so good in our past few years and decided that, if I wanted to have that life again, I had to take action.
Barry recently helped me take that action. Sunday afternoon, I went grocery shopping about the time that the Patriots/Denver game started. Having lived in New England for many years, Barry is still an avid Patriots fan.
When I arrived home, I unloaded the car and took care of all of the groceries. Barry normally helps me, but I didn't think anything about it, because I assumed that he was engrossed in the game. However, when I went to look for him, he was not in front of the TV. Instead, he was in his office and engrossed by his PC ... and his focus was spanking porn.
I quickly decided that I needed to take this opportunity to make some changes. It was clear in my mind that we both needed that to get out of our current funk. So, I grabbed Barry by the ear and led him into our bedroom! The look of shock on his face was priceless. Once in the bedroom, I directed him to strip down to his underpants and to then stand in the corner until I returned.
I then left the room to retrieve a straight chair from our dining room and to fix myself a cup of tea to help me gather my thoughts. After about ten minutes I returned with the chair and got out our collection of spanking implements and placed them on the bed. I then seated myself on the dining room chair in the middle of the room and directed Barry to come to me. Making him stand in front of me, I then scolded him about his lack of courtesy and helpfulness to me. While doing so, I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he had a firm erection (something which doesn't occur all that often due to his ED). After making him bring me a hairbrush, I slowly lowered his jockey shorts (During our low time, Barry stopped wearing panties and stopped keeping himself smooth shaven down there). I commented about how excited he appeared and questioned how long he thought that would last once I started his spanking.
I then took him over my lap, taking care to make sure his erect penis was trapped between my thighs where I could monitor its condition. After a moderately severe spanking (I purposely went easy on him due to the length of time it has been since I have spanked him and because I wanted to see if he could maintain his erection), I stopped and made him stand up. To my surprise and pleasure, he was still sporting a very firm member. I couldn't help but joke with him about one of his father's crude old age adages about "never wasting an erection". I also suggested that we honor that sage advice. Teasing him with my hands I led him to the bed and had him lie on his back. I then straddled and mounted him, and proceeded to ride him to an orgasm (for him, not me). He was absolutely thrilled, because it had been quite some time since he has been able to achieve that type of feat. He also responded appropriately by getting into position to please me orally, which we have also not done in several months.
Afterwards, while lying in each others arms, I suggested that we rekindle our interest in Devotional Sex and our FLR. Barry quickly agreed and asked if I would help him shave later that evening. By Monday morning, not only was Barry nice and smooth from his waist to mid thigh, but he was also back to wearing panties and sporting his chastity cage as a sign of devotion to me.
I'm very optimistic that things will be improving in the coming days.
Susan
I then left the room to retrieve a straight chair from our dining room and to fix myself a cup of tea to help me gather my thoughts. After about ten minutes I returned with the chair and got out our collection of spanking implements and placed them on the bed. I then seated myself on the dining room chair in the middle of the room and directed Barry to come to me. Making him stand in front of me, I then scolded him about his lack of courtesy and helpfulness to me. While doing so, I couldn't help but smile at the fact that he had a firm erection (something which doesn't occur all that often due to his ED). After making him bring me a hairbrush, I slowly lowered his jockey shorts (During our low time, Barry stopped wearing panties and stopped keeping himself smooth shaven down there). I commented about how excited he appeared and questioned how long he thought that would last once I started his spanking.
I then took him over my lap, taking care to make sure his erect penis was trapped between my thighs where I could monitor its condition. After a moderately severe spanking (I purposely went easy on him due to the length of time it has been since I have spanked him and because I wanted to see if he could maintain his erection), I stopped and made him stand up. To my surprise and pleasure, he was still sporting a very firm member. I couldn't help but joke with him about one of his father's crude old age adages about "never wasting an erection". I also suggested that we honor that sage advice. Teasing him with my hands I led him to the bed and had him lie on his back. I then straddled and mounted him, and proceeded to ride him to an orgasm (for him, not me). He was absolutely thrilled, because it had been quite some time since he has been able to achieve that type of feat. He also responded appropriately by getting into position to please me orally, which we have also not done in several months.
Afterwards, while lying in each others arms, I suggested that we rekindle our interest in Devotional Sex and our FLR. Barry quickly agreed and asked if I would help him shave later that evening. By Monday morning, not only was Barry nice and smooth from his waist to mid thigh, but he was also back to wearing panties and sporting his chastity cage as a sign of devotion to me.
I'm very optimistic that things will be improving in the coming days.
Susan
Sunday, January 24, 2016
Life is Challenging Sometimes
It's been a long time since I have posted anything ... or even logged into this blog. I apologize. Life has been challenging the last few months. Barry and I have each had some additional health issues. However, we are both now OK.
A few nights ago I finally logged into this blog and saw the comment from "sub hub in phx". I was very touched by his comments about us being missed and hoping that we would return. Thank you "sub hub".
To make a long story short, Barry and I have each had health issues, which caused us to get away from our normal pursuit of fully enjoying and pleasing each other ... and from me pursuing this blog. I have also now come to realize how tough it has been on each of us. We've been in a period of just trying to survive. We are now moving back into a FLR and Devotional Sex, which we both feel is a gift to each of us.
We will each do our best to again try to share how we approach this type of relationship. I have talked with Barry again about him becoming involved in this blog. I think it is important for both of us.
I wish life could be easier for all of us. However, I am extremely thankful for the relationship that Barry and I enjoy. It is a special gift.
Susan
A few nights ago I finally logged into this blog and saw the comment from "sub hub in phx". I was very touched by his comments about us being missed and hoping that we would return. Thank you "sub hub".
To make a long story short, Barry and I have each had health issues, which caused us to get away from our normal pursuit of fully enjoying and pleasing each other ... and from me pursuing this blog. I have also now come to realize how tough it has been on each of us. We've been in a period of just trying to survive. We are now moving back into a FLR and Devotional Sex, which we both feel is a gift to each of us.
We will each do our best to again try to share how we approach this type of relationship. I have talked with Barry again about him becoming involved in this blog. I think it is important for both of us.
I wish life could be easier for all of us. However, I am extremely thankful for the relationship that Barry and I enjoy. It is a special gift.
Susan
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