Responding to a Question

A short time ago, the following comment was posted to one of my blog entries.  I also have received some individual email concerning the same topic.

Dear Susan
I am reading through your wonderful blog and realizing you have dealt successfully with what is a huge problem for me and that is my husbands chronic masturbation habit. We have been in a domestic discipline relationship for almost three years and I regularly spank him for violating rules we have both agreed upon. Masturbation without my permission is a major no no. But spanking has had almost no lasting effect on his masturbation much of what he hides from me. To my point, will you maybe in a single post talk about how you have gotten Barry under control and what advice you would give to wives struggling with the same behavior. I know this is a common problem and maybe there are other wives who would benefit from your thoughts as much as I will

Thank you

Mary Ann

I've been giving the question some considerable thought this week as Barry and I transitioned back to a normal routine.  I think I'm finally ready to try to provide a meaningful answer to the question.

When Barry and I first began this journey, he had a masturbation addiction which was threatening our sex life (and our marriage).  At that time he also expressed his need to be spanked.  I initially tried a variety of approaches to deal with his masturbation.  They mostly centered on punishment, including some pretty severe spanking.  I also tried locking him in a chastity cage (which, at one point he found a way to remove).  My various efforts provided short term solutions.  However, as I look back on it now, none of them provided a long term solution or cure to his masturbation addiction.  Any addiction is a disease.  And I have also come to understand that any attempt to deal with that disease must come from the person who is suffering from it.  It can't come from outside forces, such as punishment.

I am extremely thankful that Barry has found a way to deal with his addiction.  I also think I have come to understand what has helped him do so.  It wasn't the spankings I gave him.  It also wasn't the cage.  I believe it was the new life-style we assumed when we discovered and each worked to implement Devotional Sex for both of us.   I must also share that we practice a version of Devotional Sex that is a little different that what is included on he web ... primarily because of Barry's strong submissive nature/desires and his interest in what some would consider to be "kinky" sex.  However, what we did implement was a desire for each of us to be devoted to pleasing each other.  That has become the ultimate goal of each of us.  We do include the aspect that I am in control, which fits very nicely with Barry's submissiveness.

Since we both bought into Devotional Sex, we have greatly increased the amount of opportunities when we spend quality sexual time together (which previously had not been a priority for me).  Each opportunity does not result in sexual gratification for Barry (because I am in control).  However, the increased number of opportunities for sexual engagement has resulted in an increased number of times that Barry receives sexual gratification.  And, the times when  he is not gratified, cause him to desire me even more, because he knows we are each enjoying sexual activity together.  And he has come to realize that our sex life is much better for BOTH of us.

I have come to understand and appreciate that it takes both of us to create a healthy and happy sex life.  Barry has also come to understand that, and consequently, works harder to find ways to please me sexually.  Each of us working together is what I believe has resolved his masturbation addiction.   That is because he now desires to have me please him, rather than using his hand.  And, that happens more often.  I also want to do it more often, because Barry's focus is also to please me.

Devotional Sex has been a gift to us. 

Susan