I can't believe it has been almost two weeks since I've had chance to post. This month just seems chaotic with all of the necessary Christmas preparations and work obligations. Barry and I haven't even had much chance to enjoy special time together, which is frustrating to both of us.
However, last night we enjoyed a lengthy conversation over dinner (and a couple glasses of wine) about what an amazing journey we have been experiencing. What really struck each of us is how much I have changed and how much I enjoy this new life. It is also hard to believe that it has been over three years since Barry and I started this journey. It didn't seem like I was making any major changes. However, the cumulative effect of many individual changes is amazaing. Barry has also undergone a significant number of changes, but that should be held for a separate blog entry.
Following are some of the differences that we each noticed in my behavior and my outlook on our sexual relationship.
Prior to learning that Barry was totally immersed in his fantasies and was masturbating daily rather than making love with me, I was very content with our very vanilla sex life. I was completely satisfied with our almost exclusive use of the missionary position with Barry in control of both of our abilities to orgasm (I almost never did). I hated the doggy and cowgirl positions which Barry periodically asked me to use (probably because the names he used for them didn't seem very romantic or lady-like). Although I was willing to try it one time, I really hated the thoughts of giving oral stimulation to Barry (I hated it when he called it a blowjob). I also really didn't enjoy handling Barry's genitals or looking at them. And, I even didn't enjoy it when Barry wanted to orally stimulate me. He could easily sense that, so he stopped trying to please me that way. As you can imagine from the above confessions, our sexual activity was bland and boring. That was primarily due to my unwillingness to be open to or try anything that I considered to be "dirty".
However, once I realized that our sex life was a disaster and agreed to try some new things with Barry (starting with spanking him), I found out that many of the things I previously hated were thoroughly enjoyable for both of us. I think the photo collections he had also helped show me that the things he wanted to try weren't dirty, but were erotic. Most of his photos don't look like pornography, but have an erotic nature to them. These changes didn't happen to me overnight. But they did slowly happen.
The first major hurdle was being willing and able to spank him. That was completely foreign to me. I couldn't imagine inflicting pain on him. However, as I learned that he enjoyed and craved a significant level of pain from spanking, I was able and willing to do that. I also learned that a severe punishment spanking was a way of correcting some of his behaviors that were unacceptable to me. However, I still find it difficult and unpleasant to administer a severe discipline spanking to him. I know that it works and that he accepts me doing that, but it is not fun for either of us. I would much rather spank him at a level that allows him to remain erect (which involves a pretty significant spanking for him). I would also find other ways to discipline him and change his behavior. I have had some success with that.
I now like to control our sexual activity and we seldom use missionary. I love to ride Barry (I still don't call it 'cowgirl') because it gives me the control of each of our pleasure. I even occasionally have him take me from behind, but we don't refer to it as 'doggy'. It gives him more control, which is a gift I am willing to give sometimes. It also seems to provide deeper penetration and he provides a pleasure I don't feel in other positions. I also now enjoy providing and receiving oral stimulation. However, I still hate the term 'blowjob' and I won't bring him to orgasm with my mouth. I just love to orally stimulate and tease him. I also love to tease him with my genitals close to his face, since it raises his excitement level.
Another major area of change is my willingness to wear sexy lingerie. Barry has always wanted me to wear garters and stockings and sensual bra/panty sets. However, I was previously stuck in granny wear. I now love to dress up for him, especially at home. I'm also getting braver when we go out, as long as we are going someplace where we won't run into someone we know. It is also a very effective way of keeping his undivided attention on me.
Shaving Barry and putting him in stockings and panties is also a huge change. Four years ago I would have thought that was sick. I didn't even enjoy seeing him naked. Now I love to see and touch his smooth genitals and to encase them in sheer nylon. I also now love teasing and playing with his genitals. I think that keeping him shaved has played a huge role in changing my interests in this area.
Four years ago I didn't even feel comfortable talking with Barry about sexual interests, let alone sharing the things I've written above. I still can't talk about these things with anyone but Barry or in this blog that is read by people I don't know. However, this blog has been a huge change for me. I want to express my appreciation to each of you who have openly accepted what I have shared without judgement and have encouraged me by seeing value in my sharing. Without that acceptance and encouragement, I would not be doing this.
There are still things I have no interest in doing (and may never have any interest in them). However, that doesn't stop Barry from occasionally raising a new interest that excites him. I also now raise some interests with Barry. Some things I am willing to talk about and try. Some things are still very taboo in my mind and I can't go there. However, the important thing is that we talk about them. I am willing to draw a line when I need to do so, and Barry is accepting of that. He knows when not to push something.
I am hopeful that he and I will continue to grow together as we explore new areas of interest. I also hope to be able to continue to share more about how we are doing that through this blog.
Thank you everyone.